Last week I went to a BYU Education Week lecture on finding joy in everyday life. Just attending this lecture tells you a lot about how I am feeling. The man did have several good (even great) ideas for finding that elusive joy. My favorite was to eat a piece of chocolate every day, very, very slowly, and savor its taste. I have tried this, but I can't seem to make myself eat it slowly enough that I don't want another piece immediately. One thing he said hit a nerve--don't try to find happiness by being excessively busy all the time. In other words, take time to enjoy nature's beauties and a great hug from a loved one.
I hate having to decide how to spend my time. There is always a lingering thought, deep in the recesses of my brain, which is judging whether or not what I am doing is worthwhile and/or necessary. I have tried to analyze this, and the best I can come up with is that my mother was such a hard worker, and very unselfish and she somehow instilled a fear of laziness and selfishness in me. I became completely task-oriented. If I am not doing something, I must be lazy (and thus, selfish). I am not blaming my mom because maybe I came this way from the pre-earth life. My siblings don' t seem to have this much trouble relaxing and doing what they want to do. Of course, all of them are working at paying jobs right now except for one brother who manages his properties and thus he is, obviously, doing worthwhile things.
Now, to tie all these ramblings to my first paragraph about finding joy, and the presenter's statements about not trying to find joy in being busy. Each day I make a list and charge through it as fast and efficiently as I can. Thus, I am usually really busy. It is easy to fill a day with bank deposits and withdrawals, grocery store runs, bill-paying, and household projects. The truth is, though, I am pretty bored and really feel at odds with myself most of the time. Good to discover all these inner-self realities, but what to do about them?
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